This was going to be a post about how I spent my summer traveling and doing big things to get you off my mind, and how much of a better person I am today even though you broke my heart. But in a smoke-inspired haze I realized, I don’t want to lie to myself. I don’t want to sit here and preach to you that even though someone tells you that they’re ready to move on, and you’re not, you can move on easily by doing such and such. Because that’s not true. Maybe half way true; but for some of us it’s a little harder than that.
All these feelings of self-worth come out and you start to question everything you did together. You think of the bad times and cry. And you think of the good times, and cry because they’re not going to happen anymore. And it doesn’t even remotely begin to get better until you finally let yourself find somebody attractive again. And that takes a lot more than traveling and telling yourself you’re going to be ok. It takes time.
I feel like people would tell me “You had a pretty crappy summer. Sorry.” Shoot, I even find myself saying that. I lost you. And it still hurts even though we’ve done this before. I mean I know two years isn’t a long time, but that’s two years of getting to genuinely know another person on so many levels. Intimately, respectively, you know them as a friend, lover, fuck buddy, etc. And it takes so much to finally let that go. And this summer I really learned what helps. What helps is work, and keeping your mind and body busy from trying to think of what could have been or what you could have done differently. What helps is good friends. And when I mean good friends, I mean extremely, good friends who no matter how many times you didn’t call them because you were hanging out with your significant other, they were still there for you when you did, and when you were left alone and single. (Thank you, and you know who you are.) What helps is good beer and good company, even if it’s only a Sunday afternoon and you and a old friend end up bar hopping around two beach towns.
But the biggest thing that helped me this summer, was traveling around. I may not have gone far, but distance doesn’t matter as long as you go, right? I may have had that crappy summer. But traveling, and being able to plan my trips helped me realize one thing. You are in control of your thoughts and feelings, no one else.
I so wish that when people hurt, and needed time to heal, that we could go to an island far away and cope. But we can’t. The world still needs to keep going, and life doesn’t just stop for anybody. I learned that if I’m feeling alone and sad, that’s on me. A boy may have been the reason I’m sad, but he sure as hell isn’t the one that will fix it now. And he should have never been. I ended up taking a few trips this summer. I went to Kauai, my new-found favorite place in the world ever. I took a train up to Santa Barbara for a weekend to get the IV experience with a friend and her insatiable roommates. And lastly, I took a road trip up the coast of California with that good friend who never left my side, and who I can count on to never will. I turned that crappy summer, into a not-so-bad, actually freaking awesome summer.
I wanted to share with you in this post what I did this summer, how I grew, and what I did to make sure that my thoughts and feelings, were actually MY thoughts and feelings. And for you young girls out there, never let anybody make you feel like you aren’t worthy of happiness and love. Because that is your choice.
Kauai, Hawaii- where finding new beaches to bask on was my only worry.
Santa Barbara, CA- IV is no joke kids. No plans. Just vibes.
San Jose, CA- got to road trip up with that best friend who never left my side to check out her currently resides of education. We covered over 700 miles in 4 days and checked out 3 major cities.
San Francisco, CA- ‘The coldest summer you’ll ever have’ lives by its words. I can see why people fall in love with this city.
Santa Cruz, CA- Redwoods State Park. No words. Just pictures for this one.
Santa Cruz, CA- Boardwalk. Our last stop of the trip. I was beyond exhausted at this point and couldn’t have wanted the last 4 days to go any different than they did.
I know I’m better off. But I still need to accept that.